Right In Front Of Me
by serenitysuicide
Summary: SHIRO - Self-harm, depression and suicide attempts have lead Shuichi Shindou into the arms of his best friend looking for comfort, love and perhaps just a sense of normality. -Written by an ex-selfharmer and contains HIGHLY triggering descriptions of SI and scars. Understandable Shuichi OOC.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer – I don't own any of the characters that appear from the Gravitation series. Nor do I own Sophie cause she wont lemme keep her (Yes Soph is based on a real character 3) Anyway Maki Murakami owns them unfortunately.

Summary – Yuki abused and cheated on Shuichi in the past. And now its up to Hiro to show Shu that he is loved and wanted in this world (Bad Summary) WARNING: Mature themes. Yushu, Shiro, Yuma, hints of Kiro. Please R&R!

* * *

These same stupid white walls staring back at my twisted figure hidden in the available and welcomed darkness, for what would seem to be an eternity. This same stupid view from my curled up fetal position cradling myself against the padded yet painfully brutal wall in the corner of the room that lies in the heart of this insane asylum. In the ward for those who are a great danger to themselves and to the ill suspecting others around them… I'm surprised that they haven't stuck me one of those straight jackets yet.

The thin metal bed, the only other occupant of the room, is pushed against the taunting far wall, opposite me, under the small box window set high into the wall away from the pathetic reach of humans like me - the only feature of this cold heartless room lit up by the flickering fluorescent light above me. The superfluous window lets in a mix of natural ghastly day light from the outside world, which taunts my very existence or rather, what is left of it.

I want to be able to reach the window and smash it, then use the sharp shards of glass to inflict pain upon myself like the freak that I am but the cold metal bars that surround and protect it are a constant reminder that I am somewhat shackled here, a prisoner of my own self-inflicted torment. Like these scars, reminders of the other wave of self inflicted pain from a razor blade. Reminding me why I am kept an eternal prisoner here and how my own soul was laid out to be captured and consumed by the darkness. The very essence of my being, flitting away into the night, escaping me, as a song from the angels above lowly dies and fades to nothing but a memory.

Yes. I know all about angels. How cruel and heartless, they can be. I had my own angel once. Yet these many years on only distorted black and white memories remain, though I could never truly forget. How could I ever forget those hot fiery hazel eyes as they lock on me in a mix of emotions glaring silently at my marred and destroyed skin? How those very same eyes would hide behind blonde sandy locks. Even the feather like ghostly touch that I would receive from him, turned to painful beatings and rape. Yet somehow I yearned for his touch even more, so I could forget the abandonment and dismay of life and what he put me through.

I look down at the thick ropey scars on my wrists, snaking down to my elbows. Disappearing far under my too-big white t-shirt. Maybe it was out of anger that I did this. But at whom? At Yuki my blonde ex-lover who had constantly fucked his dearest brother in-law because me Shuichi Shindou the broken abused sex toy, which gave him his heart, wasn't enough anymore. Perhaps hate, but again at whom? Myself? For being so weak and pathetic that I had to repeatedly harm myself then crawl back to the novelist after every incident, my tail hanging limply between my legs with a soul that was slowly being destroyed piece by piece. And still I crawled back to my Master like a good well-behaved pet should.

I can't remember the exact day when these devastating wounds appeared on my body, nor do I think I want to. It's the only thing I'm glad I can't remember right now but I am really sort of curious. What was it that made me go so far, further then I had done ever before. As to pick up that glinting heavenly razor blade, hold it to my arm and drag it agonizingly slowly down towards my elbow on the once tanned skin, making me fall limply to the floor of the forbidden study next to that stupid laptop. That he always, ALWAYS treasured above me, I think even before Tohma.

Even now as I reach a small weak shaky hand up to caress them, while absorbing in the only human physical touch that I seem to receive these days. I am still amazed to find that even now they are just as sensitive as they were, when nauseating stitches – which desired to be picked at and ripped apart – held together the skin that was efficiently parted with a quick hiss of pain. Even the older wounds filled with scar tissue, that I have accumulated over the years of his betrayal, feel just as sensitive.

God, I want to be able to wear long sleeves and hide them. Its not like I don't like the way they look or feel. Really they fascinate me, they always have done, driving the question of why I would do such a thing to myself through my always-foggy brain. Though I believe these pink contrasting scars are the main sources of my nightmares. Making me dream about him. Memories flooding back to me where I cant stop them, incapable to stop them from overwhelming me.

I raise a heavy head and look towards the now open door, egar to escape but unable to. I want to escape, be free and be able to end this. But I'm too tired to even move now. I'd be happy if I could just die here, I've already given up on life but those stupid doctors find it necessary to drive pills down my throat and pump stupid chemicals into my veins, keeping me in a meaningless existence and I am unable to stop them.

A vague shadow approached me carefully, a mess of long chocolate brown hair swinging behind it. My body subconsciously withdrew away from it as it approached and reached a hand towards me to caress my face.

"Shuichi…?" The voice seems so near yet so very distant. The soft hand almost freezing cold against my clammy, sweating skin. Somehow it seems so familiar, so loving. I think it could sense the pain throbbing from my dim aura.

I sense my breath hitch slightly as I heard the soft whispery voice yet again. "Shuichi…?" The hand gently raising my head in a smooth fluid motion forcing me to look into deep brown eyes. Worry and confusion relaying through them. These eyes, somehow I knew they shouldn't be like that. No. They should be happy, glowing with passion. "Shuichi…? Why are you crying?" Am I crying? I don't know. I feel so cold and shivery compared to the heat coming from the larger body.

I must have been crying. The hand moved to cup my chin lightly and rubbed away the tears trailing down my face and a quiet sigh escaped one of our lips. And I found myself being lifted, cupped around my waist and knees and taken to the remote bed, too weak to retaliate, to struggle and escape the tight grip and bolt towards the still open door. I want to desperately do so, but at the same time nor do I want to escape this comfort that I think is my best friend.

I close my eyes clinging to the soft material of his shirt, feeling his breath on my neck, sending goose bumps down my spine, as I slide my head down and rest it against his toned chest. Murmuring the name of the larger person as he started to stroke my hair gently. "Hiro…"

I know he's smiling at me now. I can feel it. I know he's relieved that I can still remember him but why shouldn't I? He's been the only constant in my entire life, even Yuki and my family wasn't there all the time but he was. Vaguely I remember him saying something about Bad Grasper going on tour that he was going to be away for around a month or so. Ryuichi Sakuma leading the rest of my band while I was stuck in here for an attempted suicide, cutting, overdoses and other random psychological illnesses that apparently I have also got, though I've got too many to count now but I'm glad that Hiro's back. I'm not alone anymore; only with him do I feel sane. Hiro keeps me here, he helps me get better. I was lost while he was away but his strength gives me strength.

Hiro rested a heavy chin on my shoulder and nuzzled my now greasy lifeless hair and turned to look at a figure in the doorway. That stupid Doctor, that one that wants me to talk about my 'problems'. I don't need to talk to her! I just need to get out of here.

I feel the gentle grip tighten around me. Their talking mute to my own thoughts. The women walked over and kneeled before us, my friend's grip tightening yet again around me but he was still wary not to harm me. I know she's trying to talk to me, her lips moving slowly, trying to form the words that I couldn't hear. I found my self giggling at the sight but she only frowned and turned her gaze to Hiro. Hiro's talking now, I can feel the vibration in his chest but I still cant tell what he's saying. I can make out a few words though like 'take', 'home' and 'belong'. Was he saying that I belonged somewhere? I found myself repeating that to myself and the arms around me squeezed tightly wanting me to look up at their owner. Who nodded and smiled when my gaze fell upon him.

"Home…"

Am I going home with Hiro? B-but they said I wasn't going to be let out for ages since I refused to talk. I think today was the first time since Hiro left for the tour, I'll only ever talk to him. I don't think I've ever left my room, well only to go to the bathroom. Never to the social areas, just staying in my white little padded room, alone and thinking. Waiting for the weekly visit from Hiro. Tatsuha, K, Sakuma-san and my sister have visited me too but they all felt edgy around me, I can sense it… not like Hiro. He's not afraid, not edgy, not careful around me… he's just plain Hiro. The Hiro I've always known and always cared for. I never meant to hurt him through my own destructive behavior.

"Shuichi?" I blink. Feeling embarrassed that I would let my mind wonder at such a crucial moment. "Would you like that?" Like what? I wasn't listening? I think he sensed this; he removed a hand from around me and stroked my cheek, finding myself leaning against it. "Would you like to come live with me for a little while? I want to help you. That's if you'll let me…" Now it's my turn to let a small smile grace my malnourished features. As I nodded weakly, gasping quietly as he kissed my lips unexpectedly with his own soft ones. I could feel the doctor smiling at us happily.

"Yes… love is the best medicine…"

* * *

Ouu Hello people! I'm Ed and I shall be your writer for the next 10 chapters :) Yep. Okay this is based on a true storey and I know that Shu may seem OOC but Hiro isn't okay I love him too much to make him OOC. This is gonna be ANGST ANGST ANGST this story so don't say I didn't warn you! I hope you love it though. Please Read & Review Please! 


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer – I don't own any of the characters that appear from the Gravitation series. Nor do I own Sophie cause she wont lemme keep her (Yes Soph is based on a real character 3) Anyway Maki Murakami owns them unfortunately.

Summary – Yuki abused and cheated on Shuichi in the past. And now its up to Hiro to show Shu that he is loved and wanted in this world (Bad Summary) WARNING: Mature themes. Yushu, Shiro, Yuma, hints of Kiro. Please R&R!

* * *

Again I find myself drumming my artistic fingers along the wooden coffee table in my friend's lounge, staring vacantly into space thinking about nothing and yet at the same time everything. I think it's been a week since I've begun my hopefully permanent stay here at Hiro's new apartment near Nittle Grasper Studios. He said he bought it so I could have my own room and my own special bed. Something I didn't have back at the institute. Yet still every night when I'm visited by horrific nightmares, I find my self tiptoeing as silently as possible in to the guitarist's room and cuddling up to the sleeping figure, mesmerized by the gentle heartbeat. Then returning to my bed quickly before he wakes up.

Again I drum my fingers along the table. A vain attempt to keep my hands preoccupied and to not let them try and find something to part my skin and allow rivers of blood to flow through the wounds but theirs nothing to do, absolutely nothing. I'm not allowed out incase I run away, not that I would want to and Hiro hasn't managed to buy a new television yet since he moved-in in a hurry not thinking that I would really come and live with him. I've already had numerous showers today and its only 2pm, it sooths me a little but not really that much. The shower is like the rain pattering against the windowpane, just like it has done incessantly for the past few days. Damn I'm bored! So very bored. I mean I'd be bored at the institute but that's a different story all together.

Hiro's cooking our lunch now… I want to help, but cooking involves knives and other sharp objects and Hiro's under strict orders not to let me near anything like that. I want to be more use then just sitting around, and then possibly my life would return to normal.

I stand slowly, stretching and wincing as my joints pop noisily from the additional exercise that they've been having lately, instead of sitting around in my little corner. I walk over to the balcony window and rest my forehead against the cold damp pane of glass. The latch to the door locked and bolted. I thought about it once, but I can only speculate why it hasn't even been unlocked since I've been here. Perhaps he's lost the key or as crazy as it might sound, he didn't want me to jump from his sixth floor balcony. Maybe he does really care, or maybe he just doesn't want to feel accountable if anything suspicious happens to me… no that's ridiculous. It's these stupid miniature emerald pills that are stopping me from thinking straight, turning my mind to a cherry slushy. The institute said I have to take them every 6 hours, I think their anti-depressants or something, and they make me ramble like I'm doing now. Hiro doesn't seem to mind though. He just smiles and pretends that nothings wrong because I used to do that even when I wasn't 'insane'.

I feel a warm hand slipping around my waist, supporting me and enveloping my skinny figure in much needed warmth and love and I find myself leaning back against it and smiling as I listened to his gentle heartbeat. It's amazing how silent he has become lately. How could I not hear him walking around?

I manage to sneak a glance at the guitarists wristwatch as the other arm slipped around my other side holding me tightly against his chest. I frowned reading the dial, now it was 2:30. Damn! At 3 o'clock every other day some weird doctor comes along from the institute to assess my state of mind and making sure that I'm mentally stable, not dangerous to anyone (especially Hiro) and that I'm all right. Can't say that she's been impressed, so far I've refused to talk to her and even when she's here I'll only talk to Hiro. Sometimes just nodding or shaking my head. Our sessions are 50 minutes long but I still find it meaningless and pathetic. I don't need regular reminding as to why I can't be left to do anything on my own. Though I'm not complaining about having to shower and bathe with Hiro.

I know I'm going to get better if Hiro just stays with me for as long as he can. Just being with me makes me feel like I could perhaps continue to exist in this malicious and twisted world that captures and enslaves humanity.

I sighed and turned within Hiro's arms looking up into his sad brown eyes, as I then gripped his shirt weakly. I don't know how long we stood there. I wish I could have stayed there for an eternity but that damn woman knocked on the door and showed no sign of letting up and buggering off to do something useful instead of wanting to talk to me.

My grip on my friend's shirt tightened slightly as a forlorn tear trailed down my face. No one could understand how I felt, even Hiro. Especially Hiro. I'd never talk to him about anything I thought about, I'd never want to upset it and I hate it when he's sad. I blinked slowly and smiled desolately as he reached down covering my own lips in his sugary own in a brief gentle kiss before letting me go and walked off towards the door.

He looked back once before opening the door and laughed at my pouting, apparently adorable face as I crossed my arms and stood there, half glaring at him as he turned to the woman in the door way. I shifted towards the sofa and sat cross-legged in my regular place in the middle. Knowing full well that this was my last chance to prove that I am / will get better, if not I would be sent back to that limitless white padded pit or endeavor to commit suicide once more.

I closed my eyes and took in a slow shaky breath, opening them to the world before me when I felt Hiro sit beside me and holding my hand and slowly tracing slow circles over my skin with his thumb. The woman sat before me, in the opposite armchair. I think her name was Sophie Lamb or something; well that's what I think she told me her name was. Her short jet-black hair was tied back in a small ponytail, matching her black attire, her polo-jumper and cord jeans. Her deep hazel eyes hidden behind matching black-rimmed glasses. She seems nice, well she is. I don't have a problem with her… I just don't like doctors. I can almost count down in my head to when she will say that same annoying phrase, which I know she has been trained to say.

"Hi there Shindou-Kun! How are you feeling today?"

Damn there it is! What the hell does she expect of me? What am I supposed to say? That I'm feeling on top of the world and as happy as can be, which is a blatant and obvious lie. Or that I feel depressed and suicidal but I cant really say that either, not if I wanted to be locked up again. So what is there left for me to say? Apart from "I'm fine…" in my quiet un-Shuichi like melancholy voice.

"Have you been taking your medication?"

I nod. Damn, did I hate those pills.

"Do you like living here with Nakano-Kun?"

I nod again and looked down at Hiro's interlocked fingers, and mine receiving a light squeeze.

She just sighed and jotted something down on her notebook. "Is there anything you want to say Nakano-kun?"

This time I squeezed at the bigger, stronger hand and looked up into his eyes and achieved a small sad smile from him before he turned back to Sophie and shook his head.

"Right then…" Her gaze turned back to me as she read over some notes from our four previous sessions. "Is there a reason you don't want to talk to me Shindou-Kun?"

I dropped my head and bit my bottom lip hard enough to draw my deep crimson blood. I hate these situations, they're so complicated, and I never know what to say so that I don't sound like some self-harming freak on anti-depressant medication. I can sense Hiro and her exchange a silent conversation. She pity's me… I know it but it's not my fault. I never thought I'd end up like this when I was little but when I was little I would have never known that Yuki Eiri Uesugi would enter my life and turn it upside down. I would never have known that I would realize that I loved my best friend too; I don't think he knows how much he truly does mean to me.

I felt the brunette squeeze my hand again and I looked up at him. "Shu-chan?" Before I could say anything I felt those soft familiar lips press against mine. His free hand coming up to stroke my face "At least try Shu…" And I turned away back to Sophie.

Try? What the hell? I am trying… I've spent this last week trying to not smash a window and bring the broken glass shards against my already marred skin. I sigh and try to relax. Its not Hiro's fault, its my own for not talking about this with him. I should do… I know I should… its just so hard to. I spent ages telling Yuki to say his feelings out loud and yet I never realized how tricky that it actually is.

"Shindou-Kun… You know that if you don't make some progress soon then they'll want you back… They didn't want to release you in the first place… They wouldn't if that crazed blonde American with the guns hadn't come along, then they wouldn't have…" I grinned and looked at Hiro who gave me a sheepish innocent smile. "If you don't like me or if its something else I can arrange for someone else to see you if you want but you can't get out of it, not if you want to stay here with Nakano-Kun…"

I swallowed quickly and looked back at her as Hiro squeezed my hand encouragingly. "Its nothing personal… I just really don't like doctors…"

Sophie looked at me and blinked. "What about someone that wants to help you because she wants to… not as a doctor? Please…" She gave me a hopeful genuine smile and I found my self smiling and nodding, though I still couldn't shake the fact that no matter what we said to each other or how we acted then in the end, it was still her verdict and she had to report to the head honchos, whether or not I could actually stay here. She'd always be analyzing me, but I guess this was a start. A hopeful start and I'd do anything to stay here with Hiro until the end of time.

* * *

WOO Yay Sophie :) Sophie is a friend of mine nod nod so yay you're finally in it babe. All that bribery paid off. BUT your only in this chapter me thinks. Anyhew, I hoped you liked. I kind of put some of my own personal experiences in this chapter. E.g. those damn bloody questions! R&R Pwease! 


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer – I don't own any of the characters that appear from the Gravitation series. Nor do I own Sophie cause she wont lemme keep her (Yes Soph is based on a real character 3) Anyway Maki Murakami owns them unfortunately.

Summary – Yuki abused and cheated on Shuichi in the past. And now its up to Hiro to show Shu that he is loved and wanted in this world (Bad Summary) WARNING: Mature themes. Yushu, Shiro, Yuma, hints of Kiro. Please R&R!

* * *

I'm glad she's left; now I can be alone with Hiro and my own thoughts. She let herself out leaving Hiro and me cuddling on the couch. Me lying, eyes semi closed, between his legs and leaning against his chest, his soft artistic talented fingers running through my hair gently while quietly humming one Bad Grasper's latest songs to himself. Half making me fall asleep but it's so hard to do so when music brings back so many cheerful and tender memories. Songs that I wrote about the fair-haired novelist and my love for him. Every time he upset me, I found myself wandering back into the arms of my best friend whom I loved with all my heart. It had taken virtually twenty years, several years of depression, self-mutilation and a suicide attempt to make me appreciate that it wasn't Yuki who I thought had filled all the empty spaces inside. It was in reality, the brunette that I was curled up with on the couch, after he had somehow pulled me back from my deepest pits of depression to here and he was going to help me get better. He had promised me.

I do love him, I always have done… Yuki used to say that love was some cheap stupid word. It would be to him though. He writes about it all the time in his tragic romance novels, which drive women insane and pleading for more. Never did he actually tell me that he did love me, not even once… he took it for granted believing that I would always be there. But love isn't just that… it implies a bond… one that you would do anything for to keep intact and whole forever. Like I'd do anything for Hiro. I was raped for Yuki but I'd still go through worse for Hiro. I'd do anything for him.

I look up at him, smiling at the thought of how lucky I was right now, to have a friend like him and possibly more. His eyes closed, long delicate eye lashes hiding the deep mesmerizing pools, that I would happily spend all day looking into. His long chocolate brown hair falling lazily over his face and slightly parted cherry lips that every so often he would lick with his tongue as he hummed.

I reached and pulled his hand from my hair and gently kissed it and held it against my chest directly above where my heart lay in this fragile body. The humming stopped and I immediately thought that I had done something wrong. Letting go of the hand, I started shaking slightly. Until the same hand cupped my chin and brought my face up so I could see him. He kissed the hand, where I had kissed it and placed it where it just was. I could only gawk taken aback, as I heard him whisper. "Shu-chan…"

My gaze fell back upon him as his hands slipped around my waist and hoisted me up his chest, our faces only inches apart and slowly we were both edging closer to one another other. Letting our lips touch gently, one of his hands pulling up one of my marred and deformed arm up to his gaze and slowly drew my long lavender sleeve up towards my elbow. He frowned as the extensive pink scars and fresh scarlet fingernail scratches came into view. I immediately clenched my eyes shut and allowed him to scrutinize the horrific results of years of self torment and harm and I prepared myself for any disgust and hate that I would receive from the gorgeous brunette beneath me. I was prepared for hate and for him to break down in tears. But I wasn't prepared to receive soothing kisses against these ugly scars.

I took a trembling breath and tried to relax my relentlessly tense body as he continued to kiss and stroke them, gently trailing his tongue lightly over the thick pink lines where the skin had been so efficiently parted in a quick his of heavenly pain, my body having to fill the gaping canyons with scar tissue and puss.

A cold wet droplet fell upon my arm and slid down, dripping off when I shuddered and snapped my gaze upon his own tear-filled gloomy eyes. "Hiro?" I raised my hand slowly and wiped away a tear, staring at the minute droplet that stayed on my finger before popping when the mass below me shifted to sit up, his arms wrapping around my skinny little waist and held me against his chest. Giving me the perfect opportunity to hide my own face within the crook of his neck. Damn. Why did he always have to be sad these days? The thought that it was all my fault itched in the back of my head as I gently stroked his hair, trying so quell his sobs.

I always wanted to see the one I cared most about happy. He should always smile, not only did he look even cuter with that special smile but it still seems weird, gazing upon that forlorn expression. I know I should follow the advice that he gave to me when I first met Yuki that fateful mysterious night in the park. The same day that I almost told the guitarist that I liked him as more then a friend, after he had said something about that I should hook up with a girl.

I bit my lip and nuzzled against the soft skin of Hiro's neck, that I wanted to kiss and nibble at so badly since I knew that, that was his ultimate weak spot and anything tickling him there would send him crazy and from past experiences… extremely horny. I wanted to tell him; thinking that perhaps knowing that I loved him would make him smile but I always thought that him and K-San was an item. I mean who wouldn't want to be an item with the crazed American blonde? Well apart from the gun obsession and the craziness, he's funny, loyal and very sexy (Apparently I said that once when I was drunk and Yuki had dumped me) but still I wouldn't blame Hiro if he did. Though I didn't want K-San, I wanted the man before me. I don't think I could stand the rejection that I would receive if it were true. Though who could ever love a mentally sick, suicidal person like myself? Maybe he only took me in because he cared for me as a best friend and nothing more.

"Hiro?" I mumbled against his sensitive neck, sending gentle vibrations along the skin. I needed to know… Without him I had no reason to live and I might as well curl up and die right there and then. For now he was my reason for living. The only thing keeping me in this horrible nightmare. Making me think that somehow there was light at the end of this perpetual tunnel.

The guitarist's grip tightened around me with his sobs subsiding somewhat as I moved back to look directly into those stunning brown eyes. Again wiping away as many tears as I could with my thumbs as I slowly cupped his chin tenderly yet firmly but somehow the words that I wanted to say wouldn't form. I wanted to be able to say how much I loved him or at least be able to say those three magic words.

Even though I couldn't say I, it would seem that I had mouthed it when my mouth ran dry and somehow he seemed to be able to comprehend me, for he immediately pressed his soft lips against my own dry ones in a gentle and loving kiss. Then moved back and stared into my dim purple eyes.

"I love you too Shu… God I love you so much and I always have done. You mean so much to me and this…" He motioned to my scarred arms slightly and caressed a lengthy pink scar on my forearm. "… This is my entire fault. I should have told you what I felt long ago before Yuki could ever come along and steal you from me but I just wanted you to be so happy, so I didn't interfere. I never ever thought that something like this would happen…"

I smiled gladly and shook my head. My pink hair with the visible un-dyed black roots swung around me as I moved before I looked down at my lap. "No its mine really. I couldn't see what was right in front of me and what had been for so long." I blushed feeling silly and stupid at what I was saying. "Plus I thought you and K-San were together… That you only ever thought of me as a friend."

I sighed and raised my head to look at him innocently to see he was smiling. The tears in his eyes subsiding just as quickly as they had came. "I guess we both got the wrong end of the stick didn't we? But I'm glad we got this straight…" He sighed and took an unsteady breath. "Don't ever think that I don't love you Shu…"

I nodded slowly, leaving my own gentle kiss on his lips. Grinning as I took the opportunity to attack the guitarist's neck teasingly. Kissing and nibbling at the exposed flesh. Hiro's loud sensual squeals and passionate moans filling the small apartment.

* * *

This is a slightly shorter chapter I was aiming for at least 1,800 words per chapter but shrug this is all you're getting! YAY more horrible personal experiences -- R&R please! 


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer – I don't own any of the characters that appear from the Gravitation series. Nor do I own Sophie cause she wont lemme keep her (Yes Soph is based on a real character 3) Anyway Maki Murakami owns them unfortunately.

Summary – Yuki abused and cheated on Shuichi in the past. And now its up to Hiro to show Shu that he is loved and wanted in this world (Bad Summary) WARNING: Mature themes. Yushu, Shiro, Yuma, hints of Kiro. Please R&R!

* * *

I shot up in my bed, gasping as the sweat dropped from my skin. That same terrifying dream yet again. I'd had it every night since I had started living at Hiro's. I immediately grasped over at the bedside lamp, fumbling with the switch and eventually relaxing when the tiny room was lit up with a hazy glow.

I hate the dark these days. I'm not afraid of it… I just don't like it. I don't know what's wrong with me. It makes me feel so lonely. So cold. Reminding me of the times I would sit in my cell at the institute and look up at the window with the streaks of moonlight illuminating the room.

I shivered and pulled my knees up to my chest, my grip tight against them, trying to hold onto the escaping warmth as I rubbed away my immanent tears on them. I don't know how long I sat there thinking about my dream. It seems like I do this every night. Thinking of the long fingers of a familiar hand reached to me from the darkness. I think that this dream has happened to me in the waking world. Actually I know it has but I have yet to find out whose hands they belonged to, trying to tighten its grip painfully over my wrist and the fresh wounds there with the blood spurting from the lacerated veins. Always trying to pull me into the light, to the land of the living. My body aching and tired. Were they Hiros'? Or they might have even been Yukis'.

I yawned and uncurled my shaking body, my legs swinging over the side of the bed with the sheet wrapped around my thin body and I made my way over to the window. My forehead leaning against the glass, my breath steaming the cold glass and I looked at the cars and people below me on the busy Tokyo road lit up by multicolored lights. Tokyo tower standing proud under the moon as if reaching up towards the heavens. The heavens that I would never reach, unlike Hiro. The rain had stopped and the air was filled with that special sent that you could only ever get in Autumn, the mix of Autumn leaves, the cold night air mixed with that certain sparkle after the rain. A pure mix unlike the polluted air of the cars below me. I like, no I love this freshness.

I turned, resting my back against the icy windowpane and looked at the bare and lonely bed. I sighed. There was no way that I'd get back to sleep tonight at least not if I had to sleep on my own. I mean sure I've slept on my own before now. I went from sleeping curled up with my mother when I was a baby to on my own all those years ago. Then I slept happily and contently in my bed on my own till the time I met Yuki. I've slept on the couch at his; I've slept in his bed with him. Then of course I slept on my own in the Institute too and now I'm alone sleeping in this foreign room. I'll get used to it eventually but still nothing is better then cuddling to get to sleep. The heat from the one you love seeping into you, almost protecting you from an invisible danger.

I smiled sadly, loneliness seeping into my body as I took one last glance at the white goddess that hung effortlessly in the sky surrounded by the stars, wanting its power to come into me. Almost asking it to make me stronger… help me get better and so I made my way off towards my best friend's room. Carefully tiptoeing, trying to be silent as possible as to not wake the guitarist up, I mean he has to get as much sleep as he can, he has to take care of me and that's a big job. Well it's a big job to take care of anyone with these so-called self-harming disabilities that I have. I winced as his door creaked as I pushed it too.

Hiro's room was even smaller then mine, a wardrobe, a bed, a bedside table and his guitar propped against the far wall next to the window. I mean sure this apartment was nothing special, just your regular 5 room apartment on the 6th floor, two bedrooms, lounge, kitchen and a bathroom. Of course we could afford a bigger and better place but I guess Hiro isn't the kind of person to go around flaunting off the money that he had received through his music career.

I could hear Hiro groaning quietly, droplets of sweat dripping from his skin, brown pools hidden by long sexy lashes and his dark hair half covering his face. Guess I wasn't the only one to have a nightmare tonight but god did he look beautiful. The way that the moonlight shone through the curtains, illuminating his body. I guess the right word to use was angelic.

I shook my head ferociously trying to rid myself of the memories of another angel… a blonde older angel. No, no one could ever be like the angel before me now. Not like me the fallen angel. I padded over to the bed, slowly kneeling before it gently stroking away the dark locks revealing Hiro's face to me, his eyebrows furrowed with his lips slightly parted. I let my hands linger longer on the brunette's cheek, caressing it slightly, though ever being aware not to wake him. I suppose I stayed like that for quiet a while. Tenderly caressing him, trying to calm him from his nightmare until it seemed to have stopped. I thought he had just slipped into a calm slumber as I made myself comfortable at the side of his bed, leaning against the mattress and taking one final glance at the man I had secretly fallen in love with before closing my own eyes and drifting off into an undisturbed slumber of my own.

I sighed finding a heavy hand wrapped my waist engulfing me in eternal warmth. Long hair fell across my face and my nose, tickling it and making it twitch. When I opened my eyes they were met by deep brown ones gazing concernedly at me and I smiled, receiving one of his own sad smiles. I shifted closer to his heat, a hand resting on his chest and his gaze upon me as I smiled feeling his skin on my lips.

This felt right… Me, in his arms. As if Hiro was protecting me. As if it was only us in a timeless world. Shivers coursed through my body suddenly as memories from last night fled back to me. Had he woken up and seen me sitting there beside him and decided to pick me up, and lay me in the bed with him. Its not like he couldn't pick me up, apparently I've been classed as dangerously thin and the last time I was weighed, I only weighed about six and a half stone.

"Shu?"

I looked up into beautiful brown eyes.

"What was wrong last night?"

I shrugged, tensing a little, trying to think up an answer without seeming weak and pathetic. "I was lonely…"

Hiro smiled, then brought up one of those guitar worn but soft hands to caress my cheek before planting a gentle kiss on my lips. "You know you could just sleep here with me all the time, you know? Instead of coming here in the middle of the night nearly every time… You need your rest Shu…"

I smiled feeling truly loved for a moment. Hiro's words reaching deep into my heart and pulled it closer to him. "Thanks Hiro…" I closed my eyes for a moment before opening them again, raising an eyebrow and saying in a hushed voice, "you know? You know that I come here at night?"

He nodded shyly. "I guess it was because you weren't with me tonight that I had that nightmare." I frowned. What did he mean by 'that' nightmare. He sighed and nuzzled my lifeless hair. "I dreamt about that night… that night where I almost lost you…" I bit my lip, realizing what he was talking about. "I was the one that found you in the park… I couldn't let you die Shu. God I love you too much!" His breath hitched and I was vaguely aware that his grip around my fragile body was getting tighter and tighter. "I dreamt that I found you too late and you were there just surrounded by blood in the middle of the park that night."

"Hiro…" I reached up and brushed some hair from his face, revealing his eyes to me. Tears brimmed from the edge of them. "I'm so sorry. I never meant for it to go that far… I just wanted to ease the pain some and I just… it feels so much better to do it with a blade…" I closed my eyes and I knew he would never understand. No, he wouldn't. He was perfect. But he just nodded and smiled, turning his face away from me to yawn so I wouldn't suffer from his morning breath.

We untangled our limbs and I let him sit up. The pale cotton sheets falling off his beautiful light skin, pooling around his waist. His bed-hair sticking up in all directions, his eyes slightly bloodshot from crying and probably being up all night taking care of me or even watching me while I slept, safe in his presence. He looked at me and smiled, running a hand through his hair trying to tame his chocolate mane. I giggled quietly and hid my head beneath a cocoon of sheets, his hand turning to gently stroke over my sides making me bite my bottom lip in order to stop my self from laughing out loud. He pushed me carefully onto my back from my side and he grinned as he proceeded to attack my sides as revenge, from when I attacked his neck. Now it was my turn to fill the apartment with sensual (and sexy) moans and laughter.

* * *

Just like Hiro I have an extremely sensitive neck but I didn't tell you that. R&R please! 


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer – I don't own any of the characters that appear from the Gravitation series. Nor do I own Sophie cause she wont lemme keep her (Yes Soph is based on a real character 3) Anyway Maki Murakami owns them unfortunately.

Summary – Yuki abused and cheated on Shuichi in the past. And now its up to Hiro to show Shu that he is loved and wanted in this world (Bad Summary) WARNING: Mature themes. Yushu, Shiro, Yuma, hints of Kiro. Please R&R!

* * *

I yawned and took a final glance at the man in the kitchen making omelets before trotting off towards my own room. His shower damp hair pulled into a ponytail high on his head swung about him as he moved and swayed slightly to the music on the radio, which I think was some band called Snow Patrol. I'm not really sure. I haven't listened to any music properly in months. They didn't allow radios or walkmans at the institute because we could strangle ourselves with the leads snaking around our necks and here at Hiros'… well I just haven't got around to it. To tell the truth, I didn't really want to slip back into my old life just yet. I know it seems crazy but I guess that I just haven't quite convinced myself that I would be staying here permanently with Hiro and at some random point in the near future I would be sent back to the institute practically kicking and screaming. No… there's no point in getting my hopes up just yet is there?

My room is different in daylight, it doesn't seem as threatening but then again I'm just crazy aren't I? I giggle at the thought quietly as I grabbed my clothes for the day. A black tank top, a long sleeved shirt that I could wear as a jacket and some jeans and I made my way over to the bathroom, now my private retreat when I wanted to be on my own. I'm surprised that Hiro's left the lock on the door. There's no telling what I could get up to in here if I was depressed or needed to cut – not that there were any blades in the apartment anyway. All the possible things that I could do… I shake the thoughts from my head and try to busy myself, removing my nightshirt and then sliding my PJ bottoms over my skinny and bony hips that jutted out at peculiar angles. A vain attempt to try and block this insane itching from my mind. Most of the cuts and abrasions healed but I guess the itching comes natural to me now. I mean every time a wound makes a pitiful attempt to heal, the itching starts and I suppose I've just had too many wounds.

I reached over to the shower turning it on to its hottest setting but just as I turned to stand into the blazing river of heat, I caught a glance of myself in the mirror hanging above the sink. Have you ever looked at yourself fully naked in the mirror? I know I used to. Trying to make myself look spectacular for the fans… for Yuki… but now I just cant stand the sight of me. It makes me sick to the pit of my stomach.

My eyes, once glittering with sparkles now look hollow and dead, hidden beneath an array of dark greasy pink long hair well in need of a cutting and re-dying with its un-dyed roots now taking up at least several inches, with the hair dangling around my shoulders. I know I used to have long hair, until I randomly felt like cutting it that day but now its an unfamiliar sight to me. I don't look anyway how I feel. If I did then I would probably look like a dead guy walking around with no emotion, like those aliens from Star Trek. I don't know what their called. I only remember them from when I was forced to watch it when I was baby sitting Michael for K that time(1).

My gaze slowly traveled down, away from the grotesque features of my face and landed upon the intense pathway of scar tissue and marks. I managed to push the wave of nausea to the back of my mind and turned my attention back to the map of suffering from the past few years. The intense cutting leaving entire patches of pink scar tissue, that have melded together and now look like pink diseased blotches. They mar my shoulders, thighs and forearms. My left forearm more disfigured that then other one, from me being right handed.

I shook my head, a failed attempt to dislodge the image burned into the back of my eyes and it took all my energy to not throw a punch at the mirror and the monster reflected in it.

I stood there for quite a while, just staring into empty space. My hands clenched into tight fists, with my bitten nails digging deep into my palms until the room was filled with steam and my body had become just a faded shadow on the condensation covered mirror. Only then did I fall into the boiling spray. I smiled as I relaxed, slowly sliding down the cold tiles. Bringing my knees up to my chest, a familiar and known position to me.

"Shuichi?"

I opened my eyes slightly and winced at the bright and un-welcomed light.

"Shuichi?"

My mind vaguely registered that the shower had stopped but I couldn't quite remember what I was doing here. How had I got here? All I knew was that I was cold… so very cold. My body shook as the cold air surrounded, nipped and attacked me. I gasped quietly as a thick blankety towel was draped around my naked form. "Hiro?"

"You fell asleep in the shower Shu-chan. You had me worried something had happened." He wrapped his hands under my light figure and lifted with ease, taking me to his own bedroom as I coughed. The vicious convulsions wracking my lungs and chest.

I smiled weakly and thanked him under my breath as he lay me down and gently rubbed the towel over my crinkled pruned skin but a frown stayed steady upon his face, not even faltering when I weakly grabbed his hand when he had strayed below my mid-section. "Hiro?"

"Hm?" He did even look up to me from where he was rubbing furiously at my legs.

I sat up slowly, with the towel sliding off my bony shoulders. "What's wrong?"

He paused for a moment, still refusing to lay those hazel eyes upon my own. Though he soon slid off me onto the floor and settled against the side of the bed. "Yuki-san called…" I could hardly hear him. His voice barely above a whisper.

My heart skipped a beat and I swallowed quickly trying to stop the bile from rising any further up but I never took my eyes off Hiro. "What did… what did he want?"

"He wants to talk to you about something. He wouldn't tell me what though." He shifted to kneel at my side and slowly took my hand in his slowly and immediately began rubbing at my body through my unconscious shivering. "Babe, don't worry… I wont let him near you… Never ever again… I'll protect you… I promise…"

* * *

(1) The Aliens are called Vulcan's if anyone's interested

This chapter hell. This chapter has been staring at me for about a month. I was trying to have this fic finished for at least December as a present for someone but when I introduced Yuki into the picture as him actually being there I just couldn't write. So I attacked it today and deleted everything back up to the shower scene and retyped it all. I know its only a short chapter but I wanted to get it over and done with. But mega BUT! I can at least promise you that chapter 6 will extremely… triggering for self-harmers That's all I'm going to say. But ill post some links to self-harm websites or something. But Ed's foot is numb. Her Pc is beeping and she's going to cuddle in her bed and dream of her boyfriend in Yuki's certain thong from the movie XD!


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer – I don't own any of the characters that appear from the Gravitation series. Nor do I own Sophie cause she wont lemme keep her (Yes Soph is based on a real character 3) Anyway Maki Murakami owns them unfortunately.

Summary – Yuki abused and cheated on Shuichi in the past. And now its up to Hiro to show Shu that he is loved and wanted in this world (Bad Summary) WARNING: Mature themes. Yushu, Shiro, Yuma, hints of Kiro. Please R&R!

WARNING – This chapter involves self-injury.

* * *

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Chapter 6 (1,515) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

_"Nee Yuki I'm home!"_

_Nothing._

_"Yuki, Yuki, Yuki!"_

_Nothing. Not even the regular calm typing of keys. Or even Yuki's curses of annoyance._

_I moved slowly through the apartment. Yuki's office. Silent and dark, unoccupied by the blonde novelist._

_"Yuki?"_

_Still nothing. Click. The familiar sound of a lighter coming from the lounge._

_I sighed and bounded off towards the lounge towards my lover but I was greeted by darkness._

_"Nee Yuki why are you sitting alone in the dark? Its not good for you…"_

_I turned on the light switch. Why was he acting so strange? I just about managed to avoid the half empty liquor bottle that smashed against the wall. Yuki was there. A cigarette hanging limply from the side of his mouth. His eye's dull and blood shot. One hand occupied by a replacement bottle of Vodka and the other, a silver pistol. The one he kept in case of 'emergences'._

_I froze._

_"Yuki?"_

_"Shut up Brat!"_

_Yuki was mad. No he was beyond mad. He brought up the gun slowly. Pointing it at me as I fell back against the wall._

He looks so peaceful as he sleeps there, the guitarist I had somehow come to love. I smiled and kissed his forehead carefully, as not to wake him from the slumber that he had finally achieved that night. He's been taking such care of me lately. Protecting me just like he promised. Though he cant protect me from the one thing I fear, I wish he could but I doubt anyone could ever help me. Perhaps my medication could but I've stopped taking them too. Hiro doesn't know though.

No, there's no one that can help me. When I close my eyes and I see him. Ever since Hiro told me about Yuki calling, when I close my eyes I see that same blonde novelist standing before me. His fists clenched and sometimes I see him… I see him with that gun. I don't know if the dream is just my imagination playing haywire with my emotions. But this scar is enough proof that it was real.

I bring my hand up to gently stroke at the long pink scar on my shoulder where the bullet just skimmed me and hit the photo behind me on the wall of him and me. No one knows about that time. But I couldn't blame Yuki. I could never blame him or be mad. That night he had been drinking. Sure I'd seen him drunk before. Nights where I'd come in and he'd be there, immediately forcing himself upon me. The stink of alcohol on his breath. Now I think about it, the first time he did anything like that was just after he had grown cold towards me again. When I noticed that Seguchi was spending way too much time there lately. Just the two of them in his office and I had fallen back to sleeping on the couch at night.

It was that same nightmare that had woken me this night. The images of him standing there in his lounge, with empty bottles and cans all over the room. Now my body itched, as if hundreds of little ants were racing up and down upon my flesh. My heart pounded as if it wanted to break free of the cage around it. Part of me wants to wake Hiro, to just ask him to hold me, to not let me fall asleep again. Though another, more dominative part wants me to do this…

I slowly slid out of the bed, careful not to wake the sleeping beauty beside me. Usually I find myself walking aimlessly around the apartment at night, when I cant sleep and I am haunted by images of him. But this time I have a purpose. My sock clad feet had leaded me to the kitchen.

There's a lock on one of the draws. The farthest away from where I stand here at the door. Its the one draw that contains all the razor-sharp and delicious knives but there has to be at least one left out or perhaps I could find the keys. I mean not everyone could be that precise enough to not make even one mistake. I don't care if I have to stab at my body with a fork. As long as I stop feeling this way. And I know that pain is the only thing that can stop it, stop this itching and craving. Pain that can drive these images from my mind. Sure I sound weak but I need this. No one could understand that.

Damn Hiro. So far through my search I've found only food, plastic utensils and random other things. And I really didn't want to smash a window… no that would wake Hiro and I would feel really bad about it later. I sigh resignedly and stumble towards the sink. Splashing cold water on my face. I can just see the sun peeping over the towering Tokyo cityscape. The light streams through the window, hitting something metallic in the sink. Something sharp. Something that could take the pain the away if only for a moment and let me live in this second of ecstasy.

A soft smile appeared on my face as I slid down against the cupboard door. Resting my aching body against it. The slight sunlight illuminating the sharp edge and I could see my reflection on the metal. I silently made up my mind I wouldn't go too far with my cutting. Just till I felt better. I mean if I'm to 'recover' then I need to set some restrictions on myself though I knew I'd be too weak to actually do that.

I looked down at my pale left forearm. I had stopped cutting so all that was left here was that road map of scars, mismatched with the odd vicious stab of a fork when Hiro wasn't watching and was able to stop me but he's not here is he. I raised my arm up to the light and gently stroked the knife over it lightly, still smiling to myself. Even though I knew it wasn't enough to cut my arm just yet I loved the familiar sensation of metal on skin. I trailed the line again, pressing slightly harder. Watching as the red droplets formed and quickly ran down my arm and dropped to the floor when I gasped as I cut even deeper and then deeper still. All the practice I had over the years had taught me where my veins were on my wrist and I purposefully avoided them. The deep gashes I left were thick and deep. Small canyons with fat lining the sides. Blood releasing into them like little waterfalls.

It wasn't soon before my whole arm was covered in deep slashes. I felt queasy and tired but that feeling still hadn't gone. I knew if I looked up ,I'd see Yuki standing above me and glaring down towards me. Cursing me and calling me a brat. That I was getting blood all over _his _apartment floor. Just these thought of him made me shake with soundless sobs. I placed the knife in my other hand, which was sticky and caked in almost dry blood. And I brought it to my right forearm, slashing deeply on the upper side. My hand poised to slash it again.

"Shuichi? Wha-"

The light turned on and the knife immediately slipped from my hand to the bloodstained floor.

"Shuichi!" He ran to my side and pulled me against his chest. My open and bloody wounds stinging as he moved me and began rocking me gently. "Shu… why'd you do it?"

I managed just a shrug from the tightness of his embrace and he snuggled against me even tighter. I don't know how long we sat there like that. Only when I winced when he moved did it actually sink in what I had done to myself. My eyes were closed, my body limp against him. I wasn't dead though. I'd gotten out of worse sessions than this one alive.

He moved again, shifting so that he could pick me up. My arms cradled against my chest, trying to stop the bleeding. Only after I felt myself being placed gently on a bed and Hiro leaving, did I open my eyes.

I was covered in blood. My hands, my shirt, my arms. To think that Hiro had seen me like this! I choked out a sob silently and pulled my knees to my chest, hiding my face between them and slowly rocking back and forth. God I was such an Idiot.

"Shuichi?"

Hiro was back at my side again. He sat before me and I turned away.

"Dammit Shu, look at me!"

He pulled me closer to him, but I was too weak to retaliate and I slowly raised my tear stricken face towards him. He kissed me gently, sliding his tongue along my lips. Trying to preoccupy my thoughts as he gently untangled my body to look at the damage.

* * *

Bah this chapter was okay at first and then I think I wrecked it when Hiro came in it. Okay this is an adaptation of the true story. When this actually happened to Shuichi… lets just say it was nothing like this.

Ashcat – Wow, I guess you liked it then. Sorry for making you squeamish. You're probably going to hate me for this chapter ; heh.

Rubba Dub Dub Three Men in a Tub – You! How dare you think that I the most marvelous Ed… Would not keep Hiro and Shuichi together through this! smirk Yep I love my Shiro shmex. Anyhew I'm glad you liked it. So please don't flame me! Though I do need something to roast my marshmallows on :)

Thankies to everyone else too!


	7. Chapter 7

Eds thing – OMG PLEASE DO NOT KILL ME!! I know its been like 3 years since I last updated this and you may notice that this isn't a proper update. I've redone chapter 7 and in the process of working on chapter 8 RIGHT NOW! So that should be up by the end of this week probably. Thank you all for your support and your love. I like getting messages saying 'I hate you, you made me cry'. I swear down I will right much much more hopefully.

Disclaimer – I don't own any of the characters that appear from the Gravitation series. Nor do I own Sophie cause she wont lemme keep her. Anyway Maki Murakami owns them.

* * *

"Oh Shuichi…" He sighed shakily and bit down on his bottom lip as he ran a trembling hand across my cheek. I tried to look away from him, to anywhere but him. Anything but those sad and lonely, heartbroken eyes. To try and hide the shame burning through my body. My heart felt as though it was about to break out of my chest. Perhaps there really is no hope left for me and I should have done something serious and dangerous earlier on. My breaths were short and rapid. No matter how much I breathed I couldn't even relax. I was vaguely aware that I was hyperventilating. And as much as the pressure that Hiro was applying to my mutilated arm, blood kept spewing from the deep gashes, especially the one on my right arm where I had cut the deepest. My vision was hazy, unlike the time when I did it. That was a haze of desperation, though this was definitely different. Somehow it felt better. Like I was seeping in to a good undisturbed sleep. My shaking body going numb and dead. Darkness with solitude slipping into my mind and I was unable to resist the thought of everything disappearing and slowly I closed my eyes. "Shuichi! God no Shuichi stay with me!" The voice echoed in my mind. Fading as my mind shut to everything. Though my body was being desperately shaken I could feel it though at the same time I couldn't.

"He's lost a dangerous amount of blood…"

My eyes stayed firmly closed though I knew I was awake although if for only a minute I recognized this voice but I don't know where from. As if it was that private doctor of K-sans'.

"You don't understand it! He didn't mean to! He, he just…" A hand gripped my own. It felt dead.

"Hiro. You just have to accept it. There's nothing we can do. We followed all the doctors' orders. Really… if he wants to die so desperately then maybe we should let him."

"NO! Don't even say that K-san!" The grip tightened. "You haven't been there all the time. Shuichi doesn't want to die. I know that . But how can he live a life like this. He needs to able to do things. Normal things… like a normal person."

"Things… Hiro… What if he tries again?"

"He wont… Please K… Let me prove it to you…"

"I don't like this idea. I really don't. If the media or anyone else gets to know about this he'll be back in there. But I trust you. If anyone can call him back from the darkness, then its you Hiro."

Damn this light… Its too bright. Almost blinding. I want to shout and get it turned off but there's something down my throat preventing me from talking. Though making it so much easier to breath. Though somehow it turned off. Heh. What do you know! I've turned psychic! Either that or the blonde standing at the other side of the room is. K-san my blonde slightly weird a destructive manager from when I was Shuichi 'pop star madly in love with Yuki' Shindou. He smiled sadly and walked over to my bedside slowly and… And pointed one of his magnums straight at my face! Practically in my mouth. Sure this was nothing new to me. Through my life as a pop star id dodged so many of his bullets. But my scar on my shoulder is throbbing dully. "Shuichi Shindou! If you pull any of that shit you pulled two nights ago I will officially shoot you!" He practically screamed. Though some how it wasn't like the usual K screaming and threatening you. He seemed exhausted.

I grimaced. I know I was used to this sort of behavior from the demented fair-haired American. But the handgun, the blonde hair, the raised voices. It all came flooding back. There was a torrent of tears cascading down my face. Which had obviously upset the man before me. Shit. I've never seen K this upset, I've never actually seen him scared and right now he looked entirely petrified. He had by no means been tanned, he'd always had fair skin but right now it looked as though he looked as though he had seen a ghost. I suppose he was used to being in command of the situation, in charge of his emotions… unlike me.

I closed my eyes and began to sob or at least I tried to, the ventilator was uncomfortable and my throat was parched and ached. When a sob escaped me, the air forced air into my lungs creating a cough and spasm to emanate from me. When I finally opened my eyes the blonde man had gone. I tried reaching up my hands to heave the tube from my mouth but I found them bound. Attached to the railings of the hospital bed. No. This is what happened when they first took me. When they put me in that white padded cell. No. I don't want to go back. Hiro, I don't want to go back. He promised he wouldn't let them. He promised.

I pulled with my arms, trying to escape and run away. I arched my back of the bed, contorting my body putting pressure on the straps. Putting pressure onto the self inflicted wounds that trailed across my arms. I had forgotten about them. But the pain only served as a reminder that I wasn't dreaming that I was in the land of the awake and for certain, I wasn't dead.

But suddenly the pain was vanishing, my energy parting me and warmth running through my veins. My body began to feel numb and as I tried to fight the sleep that was being forced upon me, I opened my eyes a little, just enough to see the gowned person injecting something into my arm and to see the tall man lean over to place a kiss onto my sweaty forehead. "Don't worry Shu. It will be alright. I promise."


	8. Chapter 8

Ed's thing – As Mel knows, I had a little bit of a drama with this… I LOST half of it much to my despair. Much swearing and alcohol later I retyped the rest and fer some reason its so much longer. I think its my longest chapter at over 2,500 words. I changed the ending so I cant use the chapter 9 that I wrote in bed last night, so that's going to be coming later then anticipated but I've pretty much got the prologue sorted and I have a surprise fer you lot and only my beta tester knows what it is and when you do find out what it is please for the love of smeg don't flame me… Just hit me instead, I don't care if you have to fly to the UK, I do not handle emotional stress well. NOTE – Lookie for the great one liner that seems to make all my mates giggle. NOTE NOTE – When I say alcohol, if anyone wants to get me a glass of red wine it would be much appreciated. Or yagermiester ; )

Disclaimer – I don't own any of the characters that appear from the Gravitation series. Nor do I own Sophie cause she wont lemme keep her. Anyway Maki Murakami owns them.

* * *

It has been nearly a whole week since my 'accident', though I wouldn't call it an accident per say it was more like a desperate attempt to carve and obliterate a certain person from my memory… just with a very sharp knife. But everyone else including Hiro called it that… it had been just another one of my demented episodes. Not sure how it was an accident though. Perhaps I just tripped and fell onto a very sharp knife over and over again.

I had later learned that during the two days that I was out, I had had surgery on my right arm. Apparently I had sliced straight through a tendon in my arm, completely severing it and as a result I had lost all movement in my right hand, for now at least. Not like I was ever going to again but my mind flashed across memories of holding my precious microphone, my musical tool. One of the few tools through which I could release my pent up emotion and hurt along with all my joy. I remembered one time I had, or rather Yuki had broken my wrist. He had pulled me back as I was running away and as he had doe so I heard a spine shuddering snap. And the next day at work, I just told everyone that I had slipped on the ice on the way home from work the night before and I had stuck my hand out to catch myself, spending the majority of that night at the hospital. It wasn't a major break and they had just strapped it up. They had all found it dreadfully amusing those few months as I tried to hold the mic. My hand in a cast and I'm practically useless with my left hand so I kept dropping the mic. Finally Fujisaki and Hiro had held me down while K had tried to cellotape it to my hand. I looked ridiculous and felt as much when I was singing at some of my concerts. The fans had pitted me though, all desperate to sign my cast. Some of the girls had left their phone numbers on it.

I groaned leaning over to the bedside table and taking a sip of water through a straw, thankful that my arms were now free. Although K had ordered that there always be someone in the room to make sure I didn't do anything drastic or in his words 'dangerous'. But Hiro had insisted that they were freed. Its surprising how much confidence that he has in me even though I have betrayed his trust time and time again.

"Hey Shuichi!" came a voice from the doorway.

I blinked, looking up to see a giant pink rabbit standing in the door way. I blinked in surprise and shock. Then I found myself half smiling and half grimacing with the unwanted company. I greeted the singer, who then walked over and sat by the bed. "K-San said you weren't feeling very well so me and Kuma-chan thought that we'd come and visit you and make you feel all better." Said Ryuichi pulling out a small Kumagoro bunny dressed in a cute little nurse outfit that K more then likely had grudgingly made for the occasion . "Cause Kuma is magic you know. He makes me feel better all the time."

Nodding weakly, I sighed and closed my eyes lying back heavily into the plush cushions. I barley heard the whisper that came from my rivals lips. "Were all worried about your Shuichi. I know your probably sick of hearing it but we are. I want my old pal Shuichi back," he pouted.

I held out my hand, again any movement for me was weak with the drugs running through my system, constantly topped up by the orderly at my door. "There really is no need Sakuma-san. Honestly I'm fine I've never been better."

The stuffed bunny, gently patted it, like a mother scalding her child after it had done wrong. "Liar. You always were a bad liar you need to make your lies sparkle Shuichi!" He sat there pondering for a moment. "Like me and Kumagoro had smushy sex with Hugh Laurie last night and his Kumagoro beam was sooooo long that I…"

"Don't you have somewhere to be Sakuma-san?" came a voice from the door. Hiro was there, leaning against the door frame with his arms crossed. His hair tied into a messy pony tail. And boy was he looking yummy. I don't think I had ever seen him in such a sexy turtleneck. I didn't even know he had one. It was black and left very little to the imagination. I felt the heat began to mar my cheeks in a blush. And my crotch twitched. I'm supposed to be sweet and innocent not sexually corrupt! Then again a life time of servicing a bastard like Yuki Eiri will do that to you.

"But I don't want to see a dead…" came the retort from the singer beside me, definitely in a voice that was un-Ryuichi like in both his hyper apparition and his actual tone. "A dead fr- person." Automatically one of the bunny's ears had migrated to his mouth and was being sucked on veraciously.

"Well Seguchi-san is looking for you and I wouldn't want him to leave with out you. He must be so worried and Shuichi needs his rest. I'm sure Shuichi will be feeling better soon. You might even see him around NG next week Sakuma-san," said Hiro with a mischievous wink directed at me.

What? I didn't even think I'd be out of the hospital until next month at least!

"Really! Really Shu-chan," he turned to me holding out his pink bunny and giving me the most adorable puppy eyes I had ever seen, they had glossed over and I could see every shade of chocolate brown in them. I guess now that Hiro had gotten his hopes up, there was no way that I was going to let them down. I remember what happened last time someone had promised something to Ryuichi that didn't come true. Thoma had promised that NG's next tour would be along with Bad Luck and I had fallen ill with a cold and instead of changing the whole tour to fit around my unforeseeable illness, it was decided that NG would tour with another band. And Ryuichi had bawled his eyes out in the middle of the reception at NG, sobbing at the top of his lungs. The news reporters had seen it and there had been a media drama with headlines such as 'Ryuichi to leave Nittle Grasper' and 'Trouble in paradise'.

I smiled at the elder man before me. I guess it was a possibility wasn't it? Its strange that I can feel more mature then a man nearly twice my age. "Maybe Sakuma-san. I don't know, I might still be ill but even still, I want to come visit you. I miss your singing. Cant make any promises though." He seemed satisfied enough with that and he plastered his joker happy smile back into place.

"You get better Shuichi okay?" He beamed at me before pouncing on me whispering into my ear. "Get better Shuichi, please get better." He gave me the tightest hug that he possibly could without disturbing the tentacle like leads coming from my body and without touching my bandaged arms. I gently pulled my free hand and draped it over his back reassuringly. "Remember, come visit Shu!" And with that he grabbed his nurse clad bunny and bounded for the door. Giving me a wave and making Kumagoro do the same.

Hiro rolled his eyes and walked across the room to where Ryuichi had sat moments before. "You feeling better Shu?"

I nodded some, tired from the sudden ejection of energy from the room. "Still feel a bit numb but that's probably from the meds that I'm on…" We sat there in contented silence for quite a while, I have no idea how long it was. I was happy that Hiro was there, I thought that he would have abandoned me after I promised that I would never cut again and after K's many death threats. And I suppose Hiro was just content in knowing that I was still there. Breathing and next to him, the memory enforced by the constant irritating beep from the many medical appertains beside my bed.

"Did you mean what you said Hiro?" He raised one of his eyebrows slightly in confuzzelment. "You said I was going back to NG. You don't think that its too soon do you?"

He smiled taking my unpadded hand in his. "No… I think that you'll be fine Shu-chan. But yea, you'll going home tomorrow. I thought it was best to be honest, I don't like you being here. Then again were not really going home, well back to my apartment." He broke his gaze from mine, to watch a pair of sparrows singing in the tree by my window. "K would only really let you out if we moved closer to work, where he could keep an eye on you. Then again its probably a good thing." I shrugged. More then likely Hiro was having trouble coping on his own and because K pretty much lived at NG then he would always be near in case I had another 'accident'. "That's why I was late coming today." I hadn't really noticed to be honest. The days sort of merged into one when you were bound to a hospital room. "I was moving our stuff." He said that like a married couple. "You know that nice new housing complex across the road from NG? Were moving into there. You always said you liked it Shu." He turned to me, trying to find out what I was thinking. He always had trouble with that and he always worried that he was saying something wrong. Something that might upset me.

"That's fine. I don't really care as long as I'm out of here."

"You're not going to… to do that again are you Shu?" Tears had begun to burn at his eyes. They always did whenever he thought of my disgusting little habit. Though when you call it that, it seems no different then smoking. God I missed that stale smell of Tobacco. The taste of countess cigarettes smoked before a passionate kiss.

"I didn't mean for it to go so far Hiro. I only meant for it... I'm sorry." I looked down into my lap. God I was worthless, now I was lying to the one person that I had left in my life. The one person who trusted me. I had meant it to go 'that far' honestly. Deep down I knew that death would be my only release, though I was always afraid but then again I was afraid of my lovers gaze burned into my mind, judging me, pitying me. Yes even now I call him my lover. No matter what he did or what Hiro did I would still love him. Always and forever. I was drawn to him. It was like gravity, he was my first, and he was the only person that had ever taken me. That had made me feel alive even if I knew that through the haze of pain that he had given me, emotionally and physically. I have the scars. All this time after everything that had happened, even after the shooting. After the time that he had forced himself upon me, drunk and filled with that carnal lust and desire. More then probable he had been to the bar where he had spent many a night and had seen some hot totty that had then avoided the drunken and violent blonde. So he had come home to fuck me… To rape me, and he had made me scream not in ecstasy but in pain. He had taken me rough, sometimes I begged for it like that but he had never been this violent. Sometimes id let him do what he wanted to me and on the rare occasions afterwards even when I hadn't been pleasured he would let me lie next to him. Savoring the only passionate contact and warmth that he would ever give me, through his unconscious. But he would always kick me out if he awoke during his sleep.

My arms were itching again. I wanted to scratch at them, though my nails had been bitten the painful hilt I wanted a razor blade. I needed to feel the pain that Yuki wasn't giving me. I needed his pain, I needed my own pain to survive. To make sense of the situation. I bit down on the inside of my cheek enjoying the metallic taste flooding through me to clear my senses.

"No Shu its me I'm sorry. Its all my fault it has always been my fault!" Tears fell with rage and his grip on my hand tightened.

"How is it your fault Hiro? You weren't the one who ever beat me or raped me. Have you ever shot me Hiro? You have nothing to be sorry for." Although I loved the pain that Yuki gave me, I also hated him for breaking me and turning me into such a weak pathetic whelp that needed the pain to survive.

He buried his face into my chest. "But if I had told you how I felt sooner, you would have left that bastard, if I had forced a confession from you. Made you tell me everything that he had done to you. Jesus Shu he shot you! You don't deserve that. You never have!"

"Hiro I would have hated you." My voice was clear and numb, betraying what the volcano of emotions that were erupting inside of me. "I would have hated you for trying to take me from him. I love him Hiro. Even now I love him and yet I love you…" I sighed leaning back into the plush pillows, closing my eyes. "Just leave me alone. Please Hiro… I want to be alone."

And that night I sobbed into my pillow. The desperate screams muffled and echoing in my mind.


	9. Chapter 9

*Blink* Wow. Look who's here! Firstly don't ask why the bloody long time to update. I may change my profile and explain why, rather then boring you all on here. Secondly *cracks fingers* its been a while since I wrote this. There have been a few fics about, that I haven't updated and so inspired by a rather low period in my bi-polaryness and reading suicidal Gundam Wing fiction. I have been inspired! Ok. So lets go! NOTE – BTW I noticed for some bizarre reason in the last chappie the whole thing had been posted twice. When I update this I'll be sure to change it.

Same disclaimers apply as before and flames as usual will be used to toast bread. If anyone wants to buy me jam to put on said toast? *puppy eyes*

* * *

"Hiro… I don't think I'm up to this."

I groaned as we slowly neared the familiar building before us. Three weeks on, after being released from the hospital and moving into yet another new apartment nearer to Ng so that K could also 'take care' of me. To be honest I feel like hes probably sitting on the roof of the opposite building with his sniper rifle aimed on me in case anything happened.

Today Hiro had managed to convince me, or rather sweet talk me into making one of the biggest steps to my supposedly recovery. I couldn't even being to conceive what would happen to me today. With each step I found my stomach doing flops, bile rising in my throat and an overwhelming sense of dread had crept into me. Damn I really wasn't ready for this, and here I was walking hand in hand with the guitarist beside me towards the NG studio building. A building of so many memories. Good and bad alike, memories of laughter aswel as tears. It felt as though I was a lamb being lead to the slaughter. Right now all I wanted was just for the floor to swallow me up. Or perhaps for a certain crimson Ferrari to have an accident, plough of the road in these icy conditions and kill me, splattering my guts all over the side walk. But you can only wish right? Or atleast have a vivid imagination, to hope such a thing.

"Just try, please Shu. You might feel better once you get in there. And I promise that we wont have to stay for long. I just need to pick some paper work up ok? If you get really bad then we can leave." He looked down at me. His eyes expecting something and an encouraging yet slight smile plastered to his face.

He had sprung the whole idea on me really, knowing that it would be hard for me to argue against it. We were only supposed to be out for an early morning walk before the world became a torrent of Tokyo professionals on their way to work on this icy Monday morning. The roads and sidewalks would soon be filled with the hustle and bustle of busy city life. I hated crowded places, it made me feel like an insect of sorts, one that could be so easily stepped on. Not only that but I also didn't want people to see the state that I was in right now. And it was best like this anyway, lest anyone see my face, recognize it and report it to the press. Shuichi Shindou spotted in Tokyo! Though it wasn't as if my face would be known now. After all I am out of the proverbial lime light, as it were. Although in the six weeks after my release from the institute, I was starting to look somewhat… I wouldn't say more normal but atleast a smidgin more healthier. Probably from being outside far more then usual. And the fresh air had certainly helped bring colour to my cheeks. I had even put on some weight from the decent, tasty and nutritious food that Hiro fed into me. He even let me indulge on strawberry pocky. The hospital food I was on was so disgusting that even if I had felt like eating I wouldn't want to and in my stay there, my weight had fallen so dramatically that the doctors had thought that my body was going to collapse in on its self. Now I had probably put only a stone on. Even though it wasn't nearly enough but it may have contributed to the fact that I didn't feel nearly as crappy as I used to. Though it may have just been from being able to sleep soundly for a while, in the arms of the one person in the world that mattered to me.

I squeezed the hand in mine, grateful for the warmth. The leaves had fallen from the trees and the first signs of a harsh and cold winter were beginning to rear their heads. And I couldn't help but shudder as the cold wind brushed against my face, stinging and stealing away the heat. I sank further into the thick coat I was wearing. "I just don't think that I'm ready yet…"

The brunette next to me drew us to a halt, drawing me close to gaze into my eyes. Damn those eyes. They could make me do anything, I knew every single part of them, each shade and every golden hue. I knew every expression that they had to offer. And right now he was clearly disappointed. He sighed, steam escaping from his parted lips. He obviously did not want to push me into anything that would halt the progress that I had apparently been making. At least he kept reminding me that I had gotten so much better all the time. Even K seemed to think that I had. Especially in the last three weeks. Of course I didn't hurt myself -that much- anymore. Noticeably anyway. And it was hard not to fall back into my old habits whenever I felt like it was all getting just a bit too much. So what if you couldn't see the suffering on the outside by what I would do to myself. It doesn't mean that I am still not suffering on the inside.

"Okay, how about this. You just wait in the foyer, while I go upstairs to get this stuff off Sakano-san? That way if you get nervous you can just go outside or something, and I'll come find you?"

The thought played on my mind for a moment before nodding slowly. It was an idea and one that I could escape from if I needed to. It took every inch of my will power to make that nod. God I was scared, so terrified in fact that it felt as though I was frozen to the spot. "Ill try Hiro…" Puffs of vapor spewed from my lips as I spoke as even its heat was stolen. It just seemed like a miserable day anyway and now I had a sinking gut feeling that it was only about to get worse,

"All I ask is that you try Shu, okay? Though I would like to see you still there when I get back." He smiled, his confidence in me renewed. And he leaned over to place one of his addictive sugary kisses of my lips, and they drank at the warmth they gave. "And maybe next time you'll come in a bit further?" He asked hopefully as he took his hands from mine and snaked his arms around my waist. It was a public gesture of his love and adoration for me that scared me somewhat. Even some of the early workers, who were on their way to work, gave us questionable glances but nothing more. Because of the time or because we were both male I don't know but it made my stomach churn. I sank into myself, fearing the public scrutiny. I almost went to pull away from his embrace but those fiery hazel eyes kept me glued to the spot and under his enchanting spell. It was only when he began to mention the people that I used to regard at my friends and colleges that I managed to tear my eyes from his, lest he see the small tear drops that were beginning to form at the edges of my eyes, turning into crystals as I refused to let them fall. Right now the wall across the street seemed incredibly fascinating and all I wanted to do, was be somewhere else right now, anywhere. And talking about anything but this.

"You know, they really do miss you Shu. You shouldn't be afraid of them. They care and they want to help you, just as much as I do, you know. Their your friends."

I found myself nodding again. It was all I could do not to let the emotions; fear, anguish and my nerves, spill out of me, betraying the calmness that I wished to portray. Though I did not want to disappoint him after all the time and energy that he had put into taking care of me, trying to make me better and I wanted to give something back, but my chest tightened painfully, as it always did, as I tried to explain what I was feeling. "I just… I feel like…" I knew what I wanted to say but perhaps it was the fear or the complete desperation that I felt, that was making me incapable to express my emotions as I wanted to. You couldn't help but envy the people in the world that found talking about what they felt so easy. To me it was like walking over burning coals.

"You're afraid. I know you are Shu." My eyes met his yet again, staring into them, straining to see what it really was that the guitarist saw in me. Hiro had developed this talent for understanding every thought that was racing though my mind even if I didn't myself. "You're afraid of what they feel towards you after everything that has happened. But you have nothing to be scared of." Damn, am I really that transparent? "They accept you, for you, Shu. Just as they accepted you when you told them that you were inclined to people in the same locker room." He blushed, perhaps from the cold, or the embarrassment of describing mine and his own homosexual tendencies like that. "They have learnt to deal with it, yours and mine. So what if your way of dealing with things is frowned upon by society, there are plenty of things like that. And everyone has different methods of dealing with the same emotions that you feel, right? Some go and get drunk, some cry and some bottle everything they feel up forever. They know that now, they accept it and more then anything they miss you and really do want to see you again. They love you. Theres no time like the present right? And… It will be warm in there!" He plastered a sheepish grin onto his face, trying to bring humor and lighten the mood. For some reason it just radiated confidence into me and I felt… like I could do this. His pep talk had sunk in and right now I could do this. Hopefully. Though five minutes from now, I may sink right back into the hole that I had been in all day. But right now I felt a little bit more normal, if there is such a thing but not only did I feel better I also felt a bit devious as well. More like the Shuichi Shindou that I used to know.

I grinned, showing the optimism that surprisingly I felt for once and went to kiss him. And he dropped his head to return the gesture, his lips to meet mine. And it was then that I attacked. Jumping on to my tip toes to reach that little bit farther to lick his nose just as a gust of icy wind blew towards us.

Hiro practically screamed in surprise and shock, as the cold air groped at and burned the wetness on his nose and he immediately released me from his grasp as his hands flew up to protect his nose from the onslaught of nature. That's when I made my move, just when he wasn't expecting it.

Nearly jumping from his reach I ran. And I was heading right towards NG. For once I wasn't afraid of what the future was holding for me. And for the first moment since my release I was laughing out loud and genuinly smiling as I watched Hiro begin his chase after me, cursing under his breath. We were both running and laughing, just like we had done when we were young. And for a second I felt like it aswel. None of this had ever happened. We hadn't been signed. And there was no blonde angel waiting for me at home.

It wasn't until I reached the main entrance of the studios that I stopped, leaning against a wall by the door and panting due to the foreign exertion on my muscles. As brave as I was feeling, I didn't feel like I was ready to face my fear and go in the building alone.

Only moments later Hiro arrived by my side. Bent over resting himself on his knees, he to was panting and his face was ruby from exercise. He grinned at me as he composed himself. More then likely making a mental note to get revenge at some point. His nose was running slightly from the reaction from the cold.

I rolled my eyes playfully, grabbing his hand as I turned to face the plexi glass doors. It was now or never I suppose. As much as I didn't want this to happen, at the same time I did, why I'm not sure. Maybe the words that Hiro had echoed only moments earlier were hollow and meaningless. Part of me shuddered in anticipation and I forced myself to go on, pushing the doors open to reveal the NG reception.

Heat burned onto my face from the air conditioning unit above the door and I found myself again unable to move as a nauseating wave of memories flooded over me. My breath hitched and I saw things that I wished so hard that I could forget. I was dressed in my sisters school uniform trying to convince Yuki that he wanted me. It seemed like I was always trying to do something like that. He had marched out of the same doors and onto the street that day and of course I had followed him, pestering him for his attention. But all he ever did was ignore me. I should have seen the signs really. He didn't love me. He was only using me for sex. Until he could find another tight little virgin hole for him to fuck. Oh and he did. Suddenly I was so afraid that I might run into Seguchi and any inkling that I had about going further into the building were banished

Sighing, I tried to shake the memories from me head. Trying desperately to dislodge them and fill the void with happy thoughts. Such as kittens, summer and of course Pocky.

Hiro lead me slowly towards the desk that took up the center of the room. It was such a huge, light and airy room and all I wanted was to find a dark hole to go and hollow up in until this dream was over. I was so sure of myself before and now I was second guessing everything. Perhaps Hiro's pep talk had warn off. And I wanted some of his cheery optimism to transfer through our joined hands and into my soul.

The Bad Luck guitarist looked down at me. Concern flooding his features. An all too familiar expression on his beautiful face these days.

"I'm fine." I lied. Every inch of my skin was itching. Needing a blade to cut through it. To release the pressure that was building up inside of me, threatening to explode.

We went through the mundane task of filling in the visitor book. I had never seen this receptionist before and assumed that she must have been employed in my absence, for she didn't seem to recognize me at all.

"You waiting here Shu, or do you want to come with me?" Hiro asked hopefully. And for the first time today I found myself shaking my head. Score one point for myself for being able to make my mind up on my own. I had managed to say no to the love of my life, rather then my heart being tugged along by the guitarist.

"I'll just wait here. Promise you wont be long Hiro." A stereotypical puppy dog expression graced my own features. And I felt relieved when he leant down to kiss me. His lips lingering on mine. I could feel the acceptance and pride radiating of him.

"I promise Shu. Five mins tops okay?" I nodded, watching him as he left me, moving towards the elevator to the fifth floor studios.

Scrutinizing the room, I found the waiting area with vending machines, chairs and a few plasma TVs attached to the walls. I fell heavily onto a plush velvety settee and turned my attention onto the nearest tv that was showing the news. Some celebrety had comitted suicide or something. Shot himself in the head. Damn, how come I could never escape guns and death.

It had been some bigshot novelist with blond hair and piercing amber eyes.

I felt tears rolling down my cheeks, but why? I didn't recognize the person on the screen before me. Did I? He seemed so familiar. Like I knew every inch of skin under the clothes in the photo.

And as the realisation hit me, I screamed.

* * *

If you have any of those why did you kill Yuki off comments, or what the hell were you thinking reviews. Please do not bother. In my next and last chapter. Everything will be cleared up. Questions people have given me, like why did Yuki come round before will be answered. Ok. And I know the next chapter is going to be a very stereo typical ending but I don't care. There is no where else in my mind that I can take this story and I have another little ficlet that I want to post too.

Anyway please R&R!


	10. Chapter 10

EDIT – Don't know why I never noticed this, perhaps I was ashamed of rushing such a crap ending to my baby, in a hope it would close a chapter of my life. But I have only noticed that for some reason none of my " or ' have shown up, making for some weird reason. Also :) Reading this has inspired me for a Hiro based Prequel. Watch this space...

LAST CHAPPIE! And for the first time some Hiro POV! Firstly I tried not to use these quotes from one of my fave films but I felt like I had to to get things moving. I know it s a very stereotypical ending and has been used thousands of times by others, but here we go

All disclaimers apply as before.

* * *

HIRO POV -

"You'll be sure to give him this when the time is right?"

I took the envelope the writer held out to me. "What is it?" Not only was I surprised that Yuki had the nerve to show his face around here but the state that he was in amazed me. Of course I hadn't seen the writer in over a year but if I hadn't of known him its doubtful that I would have recognized the blond bastard. He had become somewhat of a recluse since this whole fiasco had become public. I don t know if he was just trying to save his reputation and was waiting for it all just to blow over, I'm not sure but right now he looked like shit ran over twice. His eyes were sunken in and bloodshot, they hid behind a greasy mop of hair and he looked pale, deathly pale, like he hadn't seen the sun in months. And thin too. That said he was probably working his guts off on another novel or something.

"Its just something I want him to have. I raised an eyebrow at him. Its not sealed. And I trust you."

Part of me wanted to scream, throw him against a wall and beat the crap out of him for all of the things that he had done to my Shuichi. But for some reason I found myself pitying him. He reminded me of Shuichi and what he had turned into in a weird sort of way, though deep down I felt that he was battling his own demons over what he had done and it sent a chill over my body. He was clearly suffering.

I nodded and watched him turn his back on me and slowly walk back to his car, the Ferrari this time and he lit a cigarette as he did so. I stood there, almost guarding the entrance lest he change his mind and force his way in, but he just sat in his car and took one last glance to the flat before speeding away. I could almost swear that I saw regret and pain in his eyes.

Sighing I turned to close the door and made my way back to our flat and plopped down heavily onto our couch, the letter in hand. Its not sealed On the front was just one word in neat copper-plate writing Shuichi.

SHUICHI POV -

_Shuichi.  
I'm so sorry.  
I never meant for any of this to happen but it has. I cannot put into words how truly sorry I really am for everything. And I wish I could say all of this in person to you and look into your eyes as I tell you this so you know I feel as you do but I'm so afraid of causing you more pain. I have caused you enough in this life. Even now though, as hard as I try I cannot conjure any explanations for what I did to you... to us and what we had. I know I never said how much I cared for you and I have a sinking feeling that if I had admitted my feelings to you when we first met then none of this would never have happened and I would still have you by my side. Your smile lighting up my day. Your laughter making me feel like I was never alone. In all honesty I took you for granted. I always imagined that you would be there for me. Every time when you would run into my arms when you got home. But now our home is empty and my footsteps echo in the halls that once carried your angelic voice. I should have noticed the signs when you were growing away from me. I should have talked to you. I should have done something! And I wish I could say all of this in person to you and look into your eyes as I tell you this so you know I feel as you do but I'm so afraid of causing you more pain. Its stupid, I should of sought it in the one person that I have come to adore and even love. My life is littered with silly, silly mistakes. They are all of my own doing and I don t know why I do these things. Perhaps I'm just afraid of happiness as I have never felt it before and this alien feeling has frightened me. But I know I have no one to blame but myself and it is through my own stupidity and selfishness that I have lost you and although I know that I do not deserve it or even want you to give it all I ask is one thing and then I will leave you be and let you live in happiness with someone that you really deserve. Forgive me Please.  
I will love you forever.  
Eiri_

In all the time that has passed since Yuki's death it wasn't until today that I had the confidence to actually come visit his grave. It doesn't feel like it has been a year. And I try not to think about anything that has happened but I cannot help it. And a deep down gut feeling tells me that it was what I did that lead to the novelist's suicide. I wish that I could shake off this grief and torment but I feel it stronger then ever. Slowly eating away at my soul with each passing moment.

Last week as I cried, Hiro gave me a letter, saying that he thought now was the right time. I have no idea what he meant by that but the knot in my stomach tightened even more as I read it and my heart and soul throbbed in anguish. I must have read it a thousand times now. And it is barely readable now. It has been stained with my tears and blood. Opened and folded so many times that it is barely holding its self together anymore. That first night I clutched it against my chest as I sobbed, rocking backwards and forwards, wishing for it all to be a dream. Hiro had just held me, letting me cry out all of my pain as I tried to make sense of it. And for some reason it all made a terrifying sort of sense really. I just don't think that I was ready to except it. I didn't want to. And I never thought that I would, until today when I finally plucked up the courage to come and visit his grave.

Would he have killed himself if I had been a stronger person? Or even if we had both admitted our feelings to one another? You never know really. Perhaps that scenario has been played out in an alternate reality and if it has worked out for them, then I'm glad, they deserve their happiness.

Even though this tale has been terrifying I have been glad for it. If I hadn't had gotten so desperate that night from being upset with Yuki, I would never have been so stupid enough to cut so deeply. Hiro never would have found me and rescued me. Nothing that I treasure now would have happened.

Although I hated him for the way that he had treated me, I loved him for helping me become what I am now. In the year since his death, things have just gotten better and better for me. I may not have returned quite yet to the musical scene and I may not have quit cutting yet. But I am happier. I am in love with someone that loves me back and doesn't mind what I have become. I am accepted for being me, by everyone now. And if I had never realized what Hiro had really meant to me then I'm sure that I would be right back in the psychiatric ward and no matter how many crazed Americans came to free me and no matter how many bazookas or grenades they had, I wouldn't be released. I wouldn't want to be.

Fresh snow had fallen in the night, giving the graveyard a serene and peaceful feel. It was untouched apart from the footprints that had crunched under mine and Hiro's feet. He had come with me for emotional support and had refused to let me come alone. But now as he loitered behind me, I was grateful that he had.

Kneeling I leant to wipe away the snow that had covered the stone. _Here lies Eiri Yuki Uesugi. Son, Brother and Friend. Missed by all._

Fresh snow was beginning to fall around us and wind nipped at our exposed flesh. I couldn't help but smile as I began a new chapter in my life. Yuki had destroyed me but had also helped me find my soul again, giving me the will to live my life.

Taking the guitarist's hand in mine I looked back to the letter that I had given in return, mine held only three words. But letters none the less that had let me release so much of what I felt and would probably mean more to Yuki then anything else that I would have to say. But now I was ready to move on with my life. Although I would never forget my blonde lover and what he meant to me. Even now I know he will forever be on my mind and I will always love him and treasure the time we had together.

_I forgive you._

~FIN~

* * *

*Sniffle* GAH THE END! Why oh why do I write such depressing crap? I want to say that I am so sorry that it has taken me so long to update and finally finish this fiction. Please don t hate me. And thank-you to all of the reviews that I got through this whole drawn out and interesting adventure. It means so much to me and has helped me through some very tough times. It has been a labor of love and I am so glad that it has touched so many of you. Feel free to contact me with anything. And lastly, I'm guessing that if you read this far, you enjoyed it and I'm glad you have. Also look out for a one shot that has been brewing. Like this only more Hiroy.

Ed.


	11. Author's notes PLEASE READ

Hey guys! Its only me again :D

Letting you know that there is no a prequel to this up on called _The Dead Can Dance._

If you enjoyed this you should really go check it out. As I type chapters 1-6 are up and I have chapter 7 ready to send to someone to see what they think. Its still just as Hiroy as this though :)

www. fanfiction s/9078282/1/The-Dead-Can-Dance

(You have to remove the spaces)

Anyway Happy reading x


End file.
